Learning Swedish. An altogether needless effort, since every Swede speaks English almost as fluently as if it were their native language. But an effort at it is courteous at the least, and is proving quite fun, as often language games are.

We have put up a large white paper in our dining hall with translations of certain phrases into all representative languages: Swedish, English, Polish, Italian, French, and Dutch.

The easiest to master has been the Swedish greeting 'Hej!' pronounced 'hey,' just like the English greeting. In order to show off my new language skills I walk around the station, 'hej'-ing everyone in sight, being mindful to look in enough of a hurry so as to not get into a conversation that would ruin the ruse.

If further conversation were to ensue, any of the other useful phrases I have learned from our dining room poster might come in handy, such as, "Do you charge for the baby?" or perhaps, "The circus has come to town," but I would have to be careful with my usage of, "Please undress down to the waist," and the innocent request, "Would you blow-dry my hair please?" could be problematic if my pronunciation of "hair" was slightly off, in which case "hair" could be heard as "whore."

But on the whole, the Swedes are not a modest bunch, and have a tolerance for questions that might make other nationalities blush. For examples, in Swedish, it would be perfectly acceptable if I had laundry that needed washing to ask the person removing their clothes from the washing machine, "Are you a slut?" And it would not be at all offensive to be discussing trade unions and ask someone, "Are you happy with the fack?" (pronounced like the English swear word of close spelling).

If all else fails I'm quite confident in my ability to impress by simply beginning to list objects that I might be bringing through customs with me, such as "a few ping-pong bats and a pair of knitted gloves."

And for all that, we leave for Norway and the polar bears in less than a week and I'll have to start all over again. Hopefully I'll be able to arm myself with a similar arsenal of useful phrases. It shouldn't be too difficult, a relative said that she'd once found the phrase, "I'm sorry, I'd love to dance with you but I have only one leg," in a Norwegian/English phrase book.

If the conversation were to continue from that, perhaps I could learn how to say, "A polar bear ate it on my way home from the circus."