The lights and lust of Las Vegas. Several years ago I lived here for 5 months. For all of its glamour, I am more acquanted with, and more interested in, its sprawling, functional commonness.

Mac and I took a week off of work to celebrate our four year anniversary here. When I tell people we met here I get raised eyebrows, which I satisfy with a story about how I was an exotic dancer and he was a big tipper. Really we were a couple of kids with the same biology internship, but it makes for a scandalous story. At any rate, what we intended as a celebration of four years together turned into more of a reevalutaion.

I've long been a supporter of having fairy tales revamped to tell the story of love beyond the typical 18-30 month infatuation period, an issue that I think our serially-cohabiting generation has, at best, a confused notion of. After this past week, I would also like to see some popular text explain love beyond women's liberation. I doubt I'll ever be one to write authoritatively on either issue.

On one hand I find myself appreciating that I have a boyfriend who is man enough to let me take control of situations. For example, yesterday my car broke down on our drive to the Hoover Dam. I was the one to pop the hood, figure out that it was the transmission, walk for help, get a tow truck and deal with the garage attendant. I should be pleased with my self-sufficiency, right? Instead I felt bitter that he hadn't known anymore than me.

I was similarly upset when I got out of the shower one evening, and he hadn't decided on a restaurant. "I just need you to be more of a man for me sometimes," I shouted in frustration. A frustration exacerbated by him not being able to unstick the zipper on my dress. Patiently (always so patiently!) he reminded me that I used to complain that I didn't feel like he respected my opinions, and that now he tries to include me in decisions so I know he values what I think. True, I used to make that complaint, and how could I argue with such a considerate response?

The truth is I'm confused about what I want, so how can I send a clear message to him? I want a man who's strength and authoritiy I can depend on, but who knows that I can be equally strong and authoritative. I want a man who can be a man when I need him to be, but who can let me be the man when I want to be(?) And perhaps the ideal is a sharing of the cared-for/care-for manifestations of love?

The ugly truth is that divorce rates are rising in countries where women are gaining financial independence and social freedoms. In countries around the world there is a direct correlation between the degree of womens' liberation and a countries' divorce rate. In the United States approximately 50% of marriages are estimated to end in divorce: one of the highest divorce rates in the world. At my most cynical I'm given to thinking, "What do I need a man for if I'm just as capable as any male of being one?"

Maybe nothing more than a new rant on an old topic: how to reconcile old fashioned notions with newer ideals, most importantly discovering where an individuals' needs lie between the two extremes. A question that I'm afraid will remain painfully open.